I think I've suffered from disordered eating my entire life. As a child, I was always an extremely picky eater. I'd only eat my fruits and veggies raw and the only meat I ate was poultry. I remember knowing I was skinny but still sucking in for photos.

I cannot remember a time where I was not depressed. When I leaf through my childhood, I realize that I was never really a kid. Some of my first memories are my parents fighting, anger, and generally feeling scared all the time--walking on eggshells because I was always afraid of doing something that would start another arguement.

Right before my parents' divorce, so around when I was eight or so, I was molested by the one man I trusted more than anything[second only to my father]--my grandfather. Last year, my father decided it was necesarry to snoop through my journal and through this, he found out about the incident, loaded a gun, and tried to kill my grandpa that I still love dearly. I do not blame him for doing it. I don't think he even remembers it. He was diagnosed with Altheizmer's a while ago. Regardless, my mother didn't believe me that he touched me. It was her father. I guess I wouldn't want to believe something like that, either.

I have been struggling with self-harm since I was eleven years old, mostly in the form of cutting, but also occasional scartching and hair-pulling as well as punching and biting.

I guess my eating disorder really became unburied when I was twelve or so. I remember falling in love with a boy and not feeling good enough for him. So I stopped eating and starting excercising. I would sit on the floor of my shower and claw at my thighs until they bled. I would cry everytime I looked in the mirror. There was a voice in my head that always demanded more. I know now that that voice's name is Anorexia, and she is both my inner demon and my guardian angel.

I have attempted self-recovery several times, but to no avail. I cannot see myself not thinking the way I do. The mere idea of it absolutely terrifies me.

My life is not easy, but some days are better than others.

 

My stats as of 11/30/08

Height: 5'6"

HW at this height: 130 lbs.

LW at this height: 115 lbs.

CW: 128 lbs.

^^I will keep you posted on my progress.^^

 

 

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates recently. You see, earlier this month, I was admitted to a psychiactric ward for self harm, depression, and suicidal fantasies. But not for my eating disorder, as they didn't know about that. I was stripsearched, my scars were poked at. I was announced as incredibly unstable and was the first person in the history of the unit I was on to need a "one-to-one", aka, I had a nurse follow me around everywhere I went to ensure that I didn't hurt myself. I witnessed a boy try to kill himself in the middle of the kitchen with a pen he stole from an aid. I saw a lot. And I really don't want to talk about my time spent there. I'm just glad that I'm out. I lost four pounds while I was away, putting me at 124 lbs. I attempted recovery after that, but alas, it failed. So I am back, and PeaceLoveSkinny lives yet again.